I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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