we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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