I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
