I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
