Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
