Porn is love you can see.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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