Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize