I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
