If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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