You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
