Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
