I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
