I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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