Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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