Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
