i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
