i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
