watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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