just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
