and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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