the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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