i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
