Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
