you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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