Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize