I could make wine with my vomit
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
