She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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