I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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