Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Someone shit on the floor
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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