the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize