I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
