I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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