My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
