her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
pray to the hookup gods
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
