Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
