So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
