420 ftw
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
