New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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