You're my little dorito
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
