whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
