Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
50% drunk capacity currently
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
