Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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