How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
