dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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