Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
