Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize