Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
