I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
