Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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