My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
