then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
