I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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