We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
