You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
