I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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