This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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