Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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