Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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