I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
