Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
