If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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