Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
why do cheetos always look like penises
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
