Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Someone shit on the floor
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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