I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
