I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize