I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
