apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just forgot I was standing up.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
