i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
