I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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