so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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