there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
