My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
