I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
